Feeling Ugly
Posted April 15th, 2003 @ 09:14pm by Erik J. Barzeski
Need to feel better about yourself? Put yourself in this "poor" woman's shoes:
I have met a twenty-six-year-old male who has many things going for him: absolutely amazing in bed (quite cunnilingually gifted!), intelligent, and possessed of a razor-sharp wit. Of course, the reason I'm writing to you is because he is, to put it delicately, UGLY.
That's putting things delicately? Gee whiz. The woman then goes on to say that she's embarrassed to introduce this boyfriend of hers (for six months) to her family and friends. Read the advice column answer here. Summary: grow up or come clean.
Now for a bit of stream of consciousness…
This article touched home just a little bit because in nearly any relationship I feel like the "uglier" one. I consider myself to be fairly average in the "attractiveness" department: sometimes a bit less, rarely a bit more. If I could change one thing about myself, I'd make myself a bit more handsome. Not a whole lot - "gorgeous" people in my field may not be taken too seriously - just enough to give myself a bit more self esteem. I would not trade 10 IQ points to look any better, and I realize that I've got a lot of other things going for me. Looks just are one of those I consider to be neither an asset nor a liability.
However, in saying this, I often encounter a wave of resistance the likes of which I can only imagine are met by anorexics complaining about how fat they are. "You are a handsome guy." Well, I'm glad you think so, but I'll disagree personally. I'm not going to go kill myself or anything: why is saying "I think I'm of average appearance" such a bad thing?
I often complimented my ex, Jessica, on her eyes. She'd often say in response "Why? They're just brown." This made me feel pretty darn stupid, like I had no taste and I was somehow wrong for finding her eyes appealing. Since I came to realize that I sometimes to the same thing to others, I've stopped doing that (or tried to at least). For example, this morning I told someone how beautiful I thought she was, and she responded by calling me handsome. I kissed her. After all, I'm glad she thinks so.
I like my legs. I think my eyes are pretty nice. Those also happen to be the two things people will compliment, if they compliment anything. No disagreement here. But why, again, is it so wrong of me to think of myself as average? Is my attitude somehow unhealthy? I'd argue that it's in fact quite healthy. I keep myself clean, my fingernails trimmed, my face and hair washed. But there's nothing else I can do beyond that. I can't change my genes, and I sure as hell am not so vain as to ever want any kind of plastic surgery.
I don't need to think that I'm especially handsome to be in a successful relationship. I've got a lot of other things going for me, and if my (potential) mate finds me attractive as well, I'll consider that a bonus.
I don't think I'm ugly. I'm not overweight; I'm in good shape. I wear glasses but that doesn't bother me. I'm fairly tan, have no huge blemishes, and have perfectly manageable hair. But I'm just ordinary looking. It's not something I get down about, but I do like to be realistic about things. Why should I think I'm hot stuff if I'm not? How does some false sense of ego get me anywhere? Why is thinking I'm fairly ordinary a "bad thing?" Why must people, when I tell them I think I'm ordinary looking, tell me that I'm not? I'm not anorexic - you don't need to tell me how thin I am.
Hrmph. Maybe I'll be an awesome looking 40-year old.
Posted 17 Apr 2003 at 10:57am #
Advice
Erik talks about some lame advice column over at NSLog(). The only advice column I read is Savage Love. Here's a representative column. You gotta love a column that holds a contest to invent a term for a man being...
Posted 27 Dec 2003 at 8:29am #
hi man. get in touch. i feel a similar way to you, would be good to chat about it
Posted 09 Mar 2004 at 8:33pm #
I'm 25 (yesterday in fact, 9th March is my birthday!!) and I wasted so much of my teens feeling too afraid to walk out of the door because I was convinced I was ugly. Despite the fact that I am extremely kindhearted, talented musically and have an IQ high enough to make me a member of Mensa, society still besieges me with images of how I should look, and worse, 90% of the men around me believe it and ignore me as a result! I still get the jitters now despite being in my mid twenties. I am a size 16 and pleasantly plump, I am also a genetic mixture, I am English with light brown hair but have been told I look Southern Italian. I look, in short, different I guess. Maybe that's it! It's almost like people today are using popular culture as a safety net, seeing people who conform to it as more "safe" and trustworthy than those of us who have our own presence in life. So they automatically go for the fashionable types. Logically they are as many fashionable psychos as there are anoraks but for some strange reason the human intellect cannot seem to get over first impressions and looks!! It annoys me but what can we do?
Posted 29 Apr 2004 at 1:24pm #
i feel the same way! everyone tells me im beautiful or gourgous when i meet them. but personaly i dont think so. i often feel very down about myself. i dont even like it when i goto a tanning salon or any type of beauty salons..i feel ugly and there mirrors dont help.i sometimes get freckles on my face i absouluty hate them they come back i sometimes just want to kil myself literally ..itslike theres always someone better
Posted 04 May 2004 at 8:54pm #
Feeling fine about one's mediocre appearance is great... unless you like those of us who don't get any interest at all. It's no fun then.
I know I'm ugly, as even I wouldn't go for me. Plus if I don't even get a second look...
Posted 05 May 2004 at 6:21am #
As a guy, I too feel pressure. One can feel painfully aware of ones...um...less than handsome appearance at times, regardless of gender. It depends on the day or the mood I am in really. My mom was a model and unfortunately I got my Dads looks...but what can ya do? I am not hideous. I am physically fit, smart, funny, artistic, kind and caring. I wouldn't change a thing about who I am...and yet...if I had one wish, It'd be to be better looking. Yuck...vanity! But maybe its biological. Maybe Its not a media thing really...I couldn't care less about celebrity or what a magazine says is hot. I'm just talking about my own life experiences. Rejection hurts, and deep down beneath it all, we are all still animals....we all have a genetic need to mate. Except we are animals who are "self aware", which makes being rejected a painful thing indeed. Bummer. I try to put things into perspective though. Life is short. Beauty fades. Even the most handsome or beautiful among us fall prey to times withering effects. Bwa-ha-ha! In the end, your quality of life really is whats on the inside. If looks are all you focus on, keep in mind, there is nothing sadder than an aging beauty or hunk who still clings to that as the be all end all of existance. Talk about unhappy! None the less, even knowing this...rejection still hurts. Especially if you feel you were rejected for the way you look. Heck, you can change anything else about yourself, but not the way you were born...and if you focus on that, its the worst feeling. I can have my bad days...feeling ugly or down about myself just like anyone else. I'm feeling pretty down now actually. But reading these posts, you realize you're not alone. It'll pass...and even though you might have been rejected...you will find love again. There is someone out there who will find you attractive.
Posted 06 May 2004 at 9:54pm #
waking up and feeling ugly is like a cold you just can't shake. some days it may ease up a bit, you may even start to breathe a little more easily. but a day in front of the tv, reading a magazine, or even just going out in public and seeing attractive people gives you "the sniffles." next thing you know, you're down and out for a good day or two. it'd be a great feeling, not wanting to punch the mirror... sadly i think most of us would still feel inadequate even if we were the most beautiful person in the entire world. my friends think i'm ridiculous and maybe psycho. i guess it's kinda like anorexia. no matter what you really look like, or what people tell you, you look in the mirror and see UGLY. and if you stare in that mirror too long it might break... from your fist smashing through it
Therapy has helped me a lot. It's hard to erase 24 years or feeling obsolete to the male race. even now that i have a steady boyfriend of 2 years. it's hard to undo 24 years of training myself to feel ugly.
Posted 09 May 2004 at 9:39am #
I agree. I never did feel beautiful even though people around me didn't say that I was ugly. That's just it, they didn't say I was ugly and they never told me I was handsome either. It's kinda hard living that way, not knowing where you stand. When I was a child, I often told myself that I was beautiful and that everything was okay. But it's kinda difficult to do everyday, without validation. I envy people who have accepted themselves as the less attractive ones, for they know which category they belong and they go about doing things that make up for it. The problem with ugliness is that, often times it isn't validated. Somehow they are just like whispers spoken in the mind. Maybe, that's the problem some of us are facing. Nobody really told us that we are ugly. And somehow we begin to doubt. When people don't say we are ugly, we are dealing with loose ends. We may or may not be ugly...heck we may not be beautiful at all or worse, we don't exist to anybody. As a boy, I had to face a day to day nightmare of convincing myself that I wasn't ugly at all but somehow things get to you. You get bored and doubt starts to creep in. As I got older, things went from bad to worse. I mean, some of the days you feel fine. People adore, smile and look at you like you are beautiful. But in days when people don't even bother to see you, you feel like the most ugliest person in the world and you feel like dying. I just wished they hadn't look at it me at all for I feel much worse than I already am. The questions I always asked myself is why do I still feel ugly even though people are not saying that I am. And why do I associate ugliness with people appreciating me. I don't want to sound humbug but I think we all deserve to receive a sign, no matter how slight, everyday that we look good. People say not to associate your behaviour, or the behaviour of others to your self-worth. But what good is self talk when you don't get validation that it is okay.
Posted 10 Jun 2004 at 2:14pm #
I personally have felt ugly all my life. People have said I'm pretty/beautiful/cute, but I've never REALLY believed it. I'm slim, very petite, pear-shaped with dark brown hair & brown eyes. My features are fairly small & I have clear skin. However, I have a severe body-image disorder.
No matter what I do, it seems that I will be an ugly failure till my death. Sounds nuts, but it's the truth. American society is very detrimental to healthy self-image...if you don't fit in, if you aren't 100% "perfect" and "without flaw", then you might as well be invisible. It doesn't help that my Jamaican family put a lot of pressure on me as a young girl. I was pretty in their eyes...but on the other hand, they ridiculed me for it. My breasts were too small, my bum too big, I was oddly shaped, etc. Whenever I try to love myself & find my own way, it only takes the memory of a hurtful comment or a withering glance to totally destroy me again.
I am confused, at times. If I am "beautiful", then why have I so often been the object of ridicule & rejection? If I am "ugly", then why do men stare at me? My experiences from my perspective have been very painful. I am now in my 20's & extremely introverted. I avoid contact with people for fear they will judge me based on my appearance. I hate to look at pictures of myself. I hate every part of myself, I often wish I could be somebody else for a moment, I have never had a true friend in my life because nearly all my "friends" have turned out to be disloyal, I can't even maintain eye contact with people because I'm so ashamed of myself (and people often accuse me of staring, although it's not true). Very few people care about me. It's a brutal reality that no one wants to admit, but it's true. I know there are other people out there with far worse problems, but my own problem is more real to me because I am the one feeling this way. My feelings of worthlessness are compounded by the fact that I have a rare learning disability & cannot do "normal" jobs. I have had suicidal thoughts for years & I have worked as a prostitute. I have never felt good, pretty, smart, etc. So it goes to show that the way a person feels about his/her appearance can affect his/her life profoundly...it depends on the person, and everyone has their own experiences & perspectives on this issue.
Posted 24 Jul 2004 at 8:37am #
There is this one guy i am friends with at school and he always tells me i am beautiful. But i certainly don't feel i am and i always tell him but he just keeps on saying it. It feels as though he wants to bullshit me cuz he no's he will hurt me with the truth. I recently got accepted into a model agency in sydney but however i feel like the ordinary 'Plain Jane'. I don't have any special features...and when i was 12 i broke out with acne and only recently has it started to go away. I clearly remeber this one girl who would put me down in grade 7 and 8...simple because i had pimples. She would call me ugly and acne face....and my self confidence went down hill from there. I always compare myself to the more beautiful and wish i was like them. There is this one girl in my class who is a model and she is stunning. She does model work all the time. And i am so jelouse and i no that sounds bad. Ooh well thats my story.... Contact me if you want...
Posted 27 Oct 2004 at 5:21pm #
yes, if your normal and you see all these images of superstars and supermodels all around you all the time staring at you with their perfect bodies and fake smiles, of course you'll feel ugly!! that's how the cosmetics industry works and that's why they make billions of dollars every year!! They tell you that you're ugly and they show you some anorecsic supermodel and tell you:" if you want to be beaufitul like her buy our products!"
That's why many regular women feel ugly and their men don't help them feel better either! cuz every loser wants to date a supermodel although he can't afford her...it's sad but true...so what you have to do is to feel good about yourself and don't let anyone bring you down and don't beleive everything what they tell you or show you, have your own opinion of yourself and don't be a zombie like most people hypnotized by the beauty industry...
Posted 15 Nov 2004 at 8:27am #
I feel the same, I used to think I was quiet good looking, (Vanity got the better of me) but when I reached the age of about 16 I suddenly thought myself to be very grim. . . What makes it worse is that my brother has all the looks he is the younger brother and is 19 years old (Im 21) it so bad I mean but moments ago I was in Burger King having lunch with him and as we sat there two girls made eye contact with him. . . about 30 seconds later they came back in and handed him their numbers on the back of a safeways reciept, thats the sort of thing that reminds me how ugly I am. . . I feel the pain that it appears everyone else does. I try everything I try changeing my hair I try changeing my clothes style. . . but as I sit here and write this very forum post, I read back and realise how very vain I am being. . . Why do I care? I dont know . . . . This may be vanity at its peak but alas I would certainly give 10 IQ for better looks. . . . . Hmmm I feel a little selfish now to. . .damn.
Posted 21 Nov 2004 at 8:33pm #
like the rest of you, i suffer from a negative sense of body image. my 3 year relationship with a very lovely girl fell apart becuase i was obsessed with my weight and i couldnt help always looking at my body in any and all reflective surfaces, i knew it was stupid and my girlfriend always told me i was beutiful and attractive but the message never sank in. she was the kind of person who had no interest in looks. she didnt care what she looked like and my obssesive behaviour frustrated her, especially since my vanity extended to her and i began nagging her to dress diffarently. reading this back i could almost cry for how stupid i was.
my wieght has fluctuated alot in the last six years, now im quite thin but i still worry that im ugly but now i am determined to overcome this stupid emotional affliction, it is something all humans need to work on, i sympathise with Lee and his brother always getting hit on and not him it has happend to me most of my life but it happens to so many people, i dont feel alone at all. we all want to pass on our genes, we are animals after all. thats why we care about looks but we when we focus on looks too much we are wasting our lives. you only live once (IMO) and life is really very short, we cant spend it mopping around with eyes at our feet. all you people who feel they are ugly wake up to what is more important in life. every one out there lift your head up high and realise that as cliched as it sounds beuty IS on the inside. what people admire most in others is confidence and someone who cares about others. the next time something happens like you are ignored by someone because they dont find you attractive, you need to make the decision to either let it bother you or just look right past it. its easier to say than do, i know im still working on it myself but a person who is not bothered by the petty superficial social behavior of the western world is in my books more amazing and attractive than any model. everyone is diffarent and every one is capable of making their life amazing.
Posted 29 Nov 2004 at 6:56am #
I could listen Christina Aagulria's version of how she's beautiful no matter what she says, but at the end of the day, I see her on the cover of a magazine and I think, damn, that girl is dirty, not in a sexually attractive way, more in a 'please wash your face' kind of way. Although the lyrics hold the kind of values that people like me should be responding to, it's hard to keep a positive aspect when the world of Media, and gorgeous Angelina Jolie look-a-likes walk side by side me while men are free to make the obvious comparison. I'm good-looking, I know I'm good looking, but this western world has brought me up with the mentality to believe that I need to be better, I need to have more, I need to have bigger lips, longer hair, bigger boobs, a tighter butt. And it's almost like the pressure is suffocating me. I can watch movies that project moral values about loving your self before any body else, or listen to T.L.C's 'Pretty' and hear heart warming story's about 'Stepping out of the Box' on Opera, and it works, for the first week or so. But no matter how I drive away from the idea of focusing on my physical appearance, sometimes, it just comes right back to bite my ass. And that's the truth, ask any woman you know.
But there's more, I know there's another horrific characteristic about me, not only do I throw my self in with those who strive to be more, I know that I'm greedy in that particular aspect. Looking at the world at large' Imagine explaining this to a dying Ethiopian woman, who's starving to death, and lives a life that's left her nothing but the purest kind of suffering and destitution. God, look at us this idea of obtaining materialistic things and man made products to enhance our features has brought us nothing but jealousy, greed, sickness (anorexia)' all that left is impairment. If I look at Paris Hilton with her snake skin purse and blonde curls standing next to this Ethiopian woman, Paris Hilton would be the ugliest woman I have ever set my eyes on. But then again, that would just be ones opinion. Whenever I look at my self in the mirror, I think of this' and I wash my make-up off, wear a regular t-shirt and jeans that simply feel comfortable, and for the rest of the day I focus on things that matter' because there are far, far worse things then a little overweight, or a zit, or whatever' Imagine if the world came to terms with this.
Love,
PromQueensDoEat
Posted 14 Jan 2005 at 1:20pm #
I wish that my husband would read this and start to sympathize with what I am feeling. He gets very frustrated when I tell him how ugly or fat I feel. For some reason he can't grasp the understanding of me feeling this way. He thinks it is something so abnormal and wishes this, as if a phase, would just pass already. I pray all the time for my insecurities to go away more for his sake now than for mine although living in myself, seeing myself reflecting off the mirror makes me cry. I am even almost to the point where I can't watch t.v. or go out anymore because I can't help comparing myself to other women. My husband tsks at this, tells me other women aren't as insecure as me, and that if they were, he'd just die. It makes me feel like a burden on top of my insecurities, like I am stupid for being so into vanity and outside appearances. It is true that it is what's on the inside that counts but just how many people really take that to heart? No matter how hard people try, they can't help but categoize and judge people. This is what makes me sick.
Posted 18 Jan 2005 at 11:12am #
I was builled at school becasue i was werid looking and ugly i know im ugly as people tell me all the time and give me your ugly looks.
I am alone an have no friends im not married i am not good enough for people.
I wish i had a friend mind you.
So if people tell me im ugly then fine im ugly. i will agree with them.
thank you for your time.
Posted 22 Jan 2005 at 5:22am #
Oh how heartbreaking. I've been horribly ridiculed, openly rated, and in some cases publicly humiliated by males growing up; in two cases it was ridicule by two beautiful women about my own age.
I hate to look at my own photos and hate to have photos taken and constantly feel like an "it" in front of men my age.
Ridicule feels like hatred and it cuts to the core. It transformed you from a human being into a thing. A worthless nothing.
It scares and hurts and pierces and degrades. As you see yourself through others' condemning eyes, you want to shrink away and become nothing. You just want to melt into yourself. You start to hate yourself too...just because others hate your looks.
For "non-beautiful" women it's a pain that's unimaginable. A deep, searing, dull aching wound in the heart. The cold realization of rejection and even hatred, Feeling you're not good enough. Feeling like your identity as a human being can be reduced to a body part. Feeling like you're a joke. Our society tends to equate a woman's entire worth as a human being with her looks. It's deeply demoralizing and very painful.
The saddest thing for me is...it's killed a part of me I cherished deeply - my romantic ideals, my yearning for a partner, my natural femininity. I hide these things, bury them from the outside world - men in specific - so I won't get wounded. I don't want them to see that part of me. That's the part I buried because I just couldn't stand any more rejection. So I de-sexed myself. Became gender neutral. Squelched and stomped on my desires for a partner, my desire to be loved. Risking it is too much for me.
Sorry...I come from a violent home where my father and brother brutally beat me, choked me, etc. Having males publicly humiliate me and ridicule me definitely damaged all potential for trust. Wow, I'm 24 and terrified of men. Totally avoid them.
Posted 23 Jan 2005 at 3:16am #
its so sad and unfortunate that we are made to feel like we are are of less worth just because we may not be instatntly attractive. look at it this way: what is the worst case scenario....? you are the ugliest person in the world? oh well, time to focus on something else. if you can be happy being ugly you will be able to be happy and you can stop constantly worrying. people who are worried they are ugly are those who are not really sure if they are or not, decide onece and for all what you are and be happy with it. but never let it stop you doing everything you want to do.
try to pull away from thinking being beutiful is so important. the human soul is capable of experiencing so much joy, through music and art and the vast and infinite beuty of the universe in which we live and being attractive to others is only one small part of life. dont let being ugly (which in all honesty you probably arent one tenth as unattarctive as you think)stop you from having an awesome day.
everything is what you make of it, forget everyone who as ever scorned you or told you that you dont look good, they are obviusly stuck in thier own world of insecurities otherwise the thought wouldnt have crossed thier mind. you have so much to offer the world.
Posted 24 Jan 2005 at 12:27am #
I'm with Frowny...I can't believe how much we have in common (although it was my stepfather & other men who treated me badly).
Low self-esteem caused me to do a lot of terrible things to myself, like being promiscuous because I felt it was a temporary escape, a way of winning approval. When men do compliment me, my defenses come up, perhaps because of all that I've experienced. And what's odd is that I have a cousin who is morbidly obese & frankly unattractive in both looks and personality...yet people admire her for some reason. She constantly calls attention to herself by being obnoxious & talking about her breasts (I swear, you would believe she's the only woman who has 'em by the way she acts!)
As I stated above, it's difficult to feel pretty when other people make you feel like shit. People don't come into this world hating themselves...that's learned behavior. I didn't start feeling like this really until I was about 11 years old & suddenly it wasn't okay to just be me. All I really like about myself is the fact that I've never been a follower. People try to hassle me about that too, but I would never change the things I love to suit them. I am my own person. My family didn't help much because they hold my overweight cousin up as a model of what I should be, which is ridiculous, not only because of the vast size/weight difference but our personalities, etc. as well.
I'm a firm believer that beauty definitely comes from within. Some of the prettiest people are really ugly, & some ugly people are really pretty. It all depends on your attitude. And it does piss me off when people accuse me of staring. Come on now, I mind my own damn business & I don't bother anybody! I'm quiet and reserved because most of the time I lack confidence. My conversation skills are terrific but it depends on who I'm around, sometimes it's hard to open up if I'm uncomfortable around certain folks. I'm always puzzled by the staring accusation, because I never maintain eye contact with people for longer than a second. And I've noticed that the same people who accuse me of staring can't seem to take their eyes off me. I know because I catch them when I look up. You feel them looking & you don't know whether they're admiring you or being critical. And worse when you hear them talking about you while they're looking. It makes me squirm. Sometimes it's been total strangers!
I feel ugly & weird because of this. The other day, this guy at my university says, "You stare a lot, what's your deal?" And I'm like, "No, what's your deal? You were looking at me!" I wasn't trying to be rude, but it really bothers me because I'm self-conscious and this only adds to it. It makes me feel like a freak or a weirdo. If somebody stares at you for a long time for no apparent reason, and it happens often wherever you go, you wonder if something really is wrong with you, some physical defect only other people notice or maybe boogers that were invisible to your eye. I'm not a frightfully ugly girl, I'm fairly presentable, I'm intelligent, articulate, & very sweet. However, we all have our share of problems and no one's perfect. I'm busy worrying about my problems, I'm off in my little world, and here I am being accused of staring folks down. Tough luck for us ugly people, isn't it? *smile*
Still, anybody can feel good if they practice being kind to others, take care of themselves, & fake confidence.
Posted 24 Jan 2005 at 1:05am #
I agree. I am always kind to others. I take care of myself, and I fake confidence. Sometimes I feel like the best actor in the world. So much so, that I have dated some beautiful women. But deep down, and unbeknowest to them, I feel like the ugliest guy in the world. Its like I live in this self delusional world, that has enabled me to survive, but all I have to do is see one picture of myself and the illusion is shattered. My world falls apart. I realize that as much good cheer that I project, that its all an act. When I fall apart, I just dissapear for a long time. Then re-appear when I can bury my self hatred enough to let the "show" go on. I'm so good at projecting confidence, that no one knows how ugly I feel. How much I want to not live with this face anymore.
Posted 06 Feb 2005 at 11:22am #
I know whats its like to be left out and be told im different too. I hate my self all the time everyday but i just listen to music and cheer my self up by watching a movie. I am always kind to others. I have just started taking care of my self i used to be a pretty kid and then came my teenage life when NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW ME well thats what i was thinking i know alot of people dont like me for sure as i am ugly and not very pretty, it bothers me i have depression now and PEOPLE DONT CARE, people never realy spoken to me or hung around with me now i am no good with people cant trust anyone but thats just me. I have had people put me down for things in my life and i could go on forever but i wont BORE THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOUR LIFES.
Posted 12 Feb 2005 at 12:43am #
Hi all,
what amazingly frank confessions!
I think i relate to feeling 'invisible'. I think I am glad to feel invisible because the other side of the coin would be to be ridiculed - invisibility is better. I was bullied when i was in year nine. Everyday i went to school i was bullied for a whole term (10 weeks) and i decided to leave school but being so young i couldnt find a job. So i had to go back to school.
My mum suggested that i ask the girl why she was bullying me just in case i could somehow make amends. Her answer shocked me - she said that she didnt like me full stop. At least if i had done something i could have fixed it but now there was nothing i could do. Talk about rejection!
What i noticed about your testimonies is that many of us feel bad about ourselfs.
this feeling is exasperated by negative comments by people we supposedly called 'loved ones' -our family and friends.
i fell inlove with this guy who wasnt handsome he was intelligent and interesting but he was so negative and critical in a sublte kind of way that being with him was like a slow death that nearly killed my self esteem. I realized that he never fed me spiritually he was actually starving me of affection and any sort of affirmation. And the crazy thing was that he considered himself my best friend. I thought that he was my friend too. what he didnt realize was that his behaviour was anti-women. he has since changed but the scar of those times remains.
i was such a putz - so naive that i just stayed with him. what i should have done was end it - but the other crazy thing was that i thought that i loved him - what a dilemma.
It was not until i was house sitting for him that i found a letter he wrote me to butnever sent it that i realised what a selfish man he was. In many ways he just wanted to use me.I was his comfort pillow. That was when i ended it. He and I stayed in touch but he was and is in a world all his own unaware of the pain he can cause.
Because i cared for him so much i became extremely critical of myself - he constatly told me his standards - not asking me to change only stating what he wanted and approved of so it was sublte. This experience eroded my self esteem.
Today i feel better and i dont think about my looks anymore. I am ok the way i am. At the end of the day PEACE is more precious. I would rather live alone than with someone who didnt apreciate me.
good luck all of you - may we all find peace when we look in the mirror.
may we find people that love us and help us to grow on the inside. May we learn to love ourselfs despite what anyone says.
Posted 22 Feb 2005 at 5:57pm #
What makes a person ugly? or hideous? Is it just because we're born a certain way, no it isn't. Acceptance of ugliness is is the start but it can be changed if one truly want it to be. Beauty is truth, truth is beauty, when one lacks truth and doesn't know where he/she fits in or who he/she really is then we stand out as ugly. Sure, natural traits can make us look a bit dim on the looks department, but if you know how you want to be and want to feel better about your looks, it all starts with you.
I've been calls ugly about 7 times in the past, all from different people... I wondered why, and then I realized... Throughout the whole time I was referred to as ugly, I had no truth to myself. Even when noone was looking at me I still felt like I was in the spotlight, I made funny faces and tryied to be unatural by making my face better, in result that truly made me ugly. I wondered why I looked so damn out of place on photos, and why when at home in the mirror I felt fine about myself. It's how you react to the environment around YOU, if you want to feel weak go right ahead, be miserable, but just remember that blaming yourself is a reasonable conclusion when you yourself haven't taken the drastic measures to change your life around. In result I realized, everyone has their ugly faces... it's only whether you choose to show it.
Posted 22 Apr 2005 at 9:44am #
some people dont have the right image to fit in with others in the world.
any ever seen movies where the outcasts get famous for being excluded from everyone else around them just for being outcasts,
Image is a funny thing.
Posted 25 Apr 2005 at 2:47pm #
hi.i have the same problem. growing up it felt like everyone was prettier than me. guys would only notiice the girls who were with me even though i thought i was quite cute. when i look at my pictures i like what i see. i like my smile and my skin. but i notice that guys rarely pay any attention to me. i'm black so i don't have the pressure to be skinny, blonde wth big boobs. but black people also have their standards, primarily light skin and long hair. because i dont have these features guys dont notice me. but more and more i am focussing on loving my unique self as no one can do that for me. i appreciate how i look and value my looks for the next 20 years coz when they fade i will not have them to complain about.
Posted 28 Apr 2005 at 8:07am #
i can look ok some times in photos
I can look ok sometimes in mirrors
Other times i look werid,
But why do i look ok sometimes?
Posted 29 Apr 2005 at 10:21pm #
as a kid, and young teenager i was very good looking, and i was conscious of this fact. i remember in 8th grade, girls would say that i would be so hot as a high schooler. parents of my friends would talk about how handsome i was! so growing up, as u can imagine, i was fully aware of this. however, everything ended up wrong. in about 2 years, this looks faded away. my faced matured in the wrong way, so now i don't look anywhere near as good as i did before --- no where near! it's just really frustrating sometimes, because it feels like my whole world has collapsed.
Posted 01 May 2005 at 5:19pm #
It makes me feel so much better to see that I'm not the only person who feels this way. I've always felt uglier than my friends, ever since I was a small child. I was picked on during my first years of secondary school (age 11-14), being called "big nose" and ugly, and those remarks have always stayed with me. Even when I get male attention I don't quite believe it, I almost feel that they're only paying me attention because there's no one better in the room yet. I'm so infuriating to people because when they do compliment me I always disagree with it. I recently came out of a four year relationship and all these issues that went away because I felt loved and attractive in boyfriend's eyes have come back ten fold and I find myself wanting to cry when I see photos of myself. It's strange because when I look in the mirror I think I look ok but as soon as I see a photo of myself I can't believe it! I look awful! So which image do I believe? My reflection or the photo? I have quite an assymetric face, which is quite long and one of my eyes is bigger than the other. Maybe other people don't notice but it's all I can see when I look at myself, as well as my huge nose! People have said I'm gorgeous, but that's usually in a dark, drunken environment. How do I feel beautiful to myself without worrying what other people think? Feeling like this is such a waste of time but it's all consuming, I can't escape it! I seem to be my own worst enemy, I sometimes wonder if therapy would do me any good?
Posted 17 May 2005 at 8:29pm #
I found all of you while I was looking for something written on beautiful people who feel ugly. The entire truth...you are not ugly. You only feel that way because of how people react to you. You only feel that way because of what someone has said. But let's face it, people are wrong everyday...and their opinions are shit. I was teased relentlessly in school...called a nerd. What did I hear? Thank you for asking. "You are so-and-sos sister?" "Why can't you look like your sister?" and from my step mother "It is a good thing you are the smart one."
And so now...let me see if I can paint a picture. I am intelligent...since I had absolutely no social life while attending school...my academics got all my attention. However, today I am what most would consider "hot". I look about 10 years younger than I actually am. I have men of all ages (and some women) ask me out...constantly. But let me tell you...they can kiss my ass. They are superficial. I still see myself as that painfully shy child. The girl who didn't bother wearing make-up or doing anything with her hair. I prefer "real" people. Unfortunately as most of us know...pretty people are NOT real.
I have learned something tho...let me share it with you. Most of attractiveness is attitude. Act like you belong in that room, people won't question you. Act like you like being at a nice dinner alone, people will buy it. Act like you don't give a shit that everyone looks at them when they walk in a room...and you have "hidden" gifts that no one even knows about. Learn your own value. Don't let someone else place a pricetag on you. To the lady who's husband doesn't understand. Do you know why he doesn't understand? It is NOT because he is an insensitive prick. He doesn't understand, because to him, you have value. He wouldn't trade you for anyone. He married you. Do not focus on yourself. Focus on him. All of us when we struggle...we are looking at ourselves...and worse yet, critically. Face it...in some way...you rock. To someone...you rock. And if you don't you haven't met them yet...and you have the wrong religion...lol.
I feel sooooo stupid walking in a room sometimes. Everyone looks and I think the worst. Let me tell you, your thots are probably incorrect...and even if you do know what they are thinking...who really cares. Is anything a complete stranger says to you life changing? It should only be on one condition...if it changes you for the better...otherwise, let it slide. Truly slide.
Crap...I realize typing this how deeply affected I still am by everyone who spoke ill of me while I was a child. I am still all messed up. I am a hot nerd. And I wouldn't give up any iq points for my apperance. In the end it won't matter...so why in the hell should it now? There are so many typos in this...I really am smart...lol.
What was it that Eleanor Roosevelt said..."No one can make you feel inferior without your help." As a Nation, as a people as individuals...we need to learn our value. Not in a surface value...but as ourselves...we matter. Each of us.
Sorry this is so long...I guess after all this time...mean people just still piss me off.
Posted 20 May 2005 at 7:49pm #
It's interesting how the human mind works. If we are told good things, we don't believe them. If we are told bad things, we do believe them. Not only do we believe them, but we obsess over them. I don't know why that is. How can we be so beat up, that we can't beleive that we have good qualities. I often wonder what would make me beautiful. What worldly qualities could I have to make me happy with myself. To tell you the truth, I could spend hours thinking it over. But, in my better moments, I realize that it wouldn't matter. True beauty is really on the inside. I realize that no matter what the mirror shows me, I must face it. I can not run from what I think of myself by avoiding how I look. In addition, I will only find comfort within myself. The human mind teaches us that there is one kind of beauty, World Beauty (as I like to call it). Ya know what, screw world beauty. Its fake anyway! So the problem at hand is, what will make us feel beautiful. Only we can do that. We might feel as though a man or woman will fill that void. Guess what, your wrong! The void is a 'self-void.' Though we may feel ugly or unloved because of situations or people in our past(or present). However, it can only be cured within ourselves. I know that it is not easy to embrace who you are, but only in doing so can you find your beauty. You must face (and forgive) your past and your present, before you can be healed. And I beleive that in being healed, you will discover your personal beauty.
I don't know if my words will touch anyone, and thats ok. But if they speak volumes to you, let if show. There is only one you! Make sure the world knows it!
Posted 31 May 2005 at 6:28pm #
let me just say, i think you people are all beutiful, i agree and sympathise with so much of what is posted here. i find it so comforting that i am not alone. feeling bad about how one looks is unbeliveble common. i think everyone has at least some issues with their physical appearance and the road to a truly happy and fullfilling life is too forget oneself and focus on all the other amazing things in life.
(sorry if i sound like a broken record but perhaps if say it enough it will actually sink in too both your head and mine)
Posted 31 May 2005 at 8:48pm #
Carey and I were married on Friday, May 27, 2005. It was a small ceremony behind the district justice's office (the outgoing Frank Abate), next to a playground and near to some trees that "everyone picks." It cost all of...
Posted 08 Jun 2005 at 10:24am #
OK you guys are all weirdos don't you even see what happens to anorecsic people out in this crazy world? And your just going to follow and really really skinny and look really gross cuz you can see your bones...go way past the way you eally wanna look....and then maybe just dieing still looking bad....? You would of looked better FAT!!! DUH!!! i mean c'mon don't do that to yourself..!!! i mean look at Jessica Simpson...Jennifer Lopez...and more they don't look all skinny...like alot of anorecsic people they are beautiful...so stop thinking like should i say it?...yeah a STUPID IMCOMPLETE IDIOT!!! ashley
Posted 11 Jul 2005 at 6:52pm #
I can relate to the words and the hurt that lies behind them on this page.
I have always been very physically different. Always skinny and well, just not looked right in the eyes of others.
I have not changed much in my 31 years and to be honest the comments and insults off strangers (and sometimes those I considered friends) have not changed much either.
I have yet to find a way to deal with the pain and the hurt when comments are made or looks and stares come my way. I think that comes from having feelings. I don't really have the chance to date and have few friends.
As has been written, it is a case of feeling invisable most of the time and when you are seen it is for the wrong reason. I never wanted to be beautiful, I just wanted people to accept that I am not, and not feel the need to look at me the way they do or say such hurtful things.
Try and be positive.
Posted 24 Jul 2005 at 2:08pm #
I really do not understand myself, i get told quite often im pretty and im not a skinny girl im a curvy size 14 but it seems im just shaggable and not good enough to be in a relationship with and this hurts because why tell some one they are very pretty, snog them even have sex with them but then nothing more!?! I am a very paranoid person due 2 drug abuse back a few years ago i am 20 years of age and still feel the need to have a friend with me when i go places, because i feel everyone is staring at me and talking about me.
To be truthful its driving me fucking crazy i sit in my room and cry and cry because i feel worthless, I have a greeat group of friends who i could trust my life with and i have many male friends but i always have this fucking shit at the back of my mind.
I have little respect for men i bother with as they have little respect for me, i met some1 who i loved and he told me he loved me we met each other we had sex but he wouldnt be with me, can any1 figure that out please!?! Im glad 2 say i do not bother with him any more coz he was just fucking with my head, A relation of 1 of my friends asked for my number and we arranged 2 go out through txt messages when we finally met we sat down had a little chat, went to another pub had a little kiss as you do but when i went to the toilet i came out and he had left his excuse was "it wasnt my fault the place was shit" ow fucking spiteful can u be, that stupid prick has knocked my confidence just like every other man that has come in2 my life.
And i know i shouldn't feel like this but i get really jealous and nasty i constantly compare myself to ANYONE and EVERYONE wether its clothes, figure i hate feeling like this becasue im not a bad person and this makes me look bad i hate meeting new people and going new places incase people judge me, my friends always call me stupid but they just dont understand i recently nearly commited suicide my parent went away and i drank myself silly and held the sharpest knife i could find for hours i sat there contemplating on wether to do it or not and i now think i made the wrong decision, i feel so fucked up and alone its like no1 understands me