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Survivor 7.01

Survivor - the original, the most truthful, the best - is back, and so are my weekly updates. I debated not doing them, but I get a kick out of them, and I don't care if anyone reads them. Besides, I know people will, and I enjoy the discourse.

So one tribe this year is the Morgan tribe. The other is the Drake tribe. I wonder if we're going to see a lot of rum advertisements during this year's series.

The clothes on their backs - great. Why did the black guy have booze? What, did he shove one of those bottles down the front of his pants in an attempt to tempt the ladies? Ha. This guy is annoying me already. Ah, he's an equity trade manager. Have they finally got a reasonably intelligent black person on the show? They sure have the silly stupid blonde - the coke bong one no less - and then they've got a boy scout troop leader? And a "produce clerk?" Uh huh. Perhaps he can help his tribe choose the juiciest coconuts or something.

No food. No tools. Nothing. However, they wimp out a little bit and give them money. 100 Balboas. This is a nice little twist - it's cool that they get to buy things, barter, etc. I'd have liked to see them get thrown out there with nothing at all, but hey, whatever. 16 dead people make for a boring show, right? Jeff says "you're going to have to work together." My guess is that they won't.

They're diving into the water and Osten has already taken off his shirt. Go figure. Then he makes a "black people can't swim" joke. I never understood what the deal was with that.

The girls run off, cries of "shopping!" in their head. So much for working as a team. What the heck? I'd have gotten a boat first, so you could know exactly how much money you have to spend. The Drake tribe seems a bit more together, and leaves Rupert to watch the shoes and life ring. He looks tired and takes a rest - a fortuitous turn of events as it turns out. I like this guy already - he steals their shoes! He barters their shoes and the Drake tribe get all sorts of stuff! I like this team already. He makes "pirate" jokes, and hey, today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Back to the Morgan tribe shopping. Tijuana's voice is annoying me already. Osten's wearing boxer shorts. He's sold his clothes. Next, he says "flash your boobs" to get money. Nice suggestion, dipshit. Oh wow, Drake tribe lucked out - Sandra speaks Spanish and so is really helping out. Wow - great luck. The lesbian shop owner, hilarious stuff! Ha ha. "The lady liked her, y'know, in a sexual way." πŸ™‚

Tijuana, what a fucking annoying bitch. "GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK." You know, because when people don't understand English, it's always best to YELL English. And saying "si" repeatedly isn't going to help anything. "You're stealing!" Shut the hell up. You are now one of my least favorite people. Now the Drake tribe stumbles onto a barbeque and takes everything. All for a gold necklace. Reminds me of a story about New York and a bunch of beads or something…

And hey, Osten, it's always good to ride with a pick axe and a machete. Morons. The Morgan tribe didn't even spend all of their money. And great, now his shorts are falling off - just what I want to see: the blur covering someone's ass crack. Meanwhile, Coke Bong Christa says "we're pretty well fit for the jungle right now." Maybe she found a dealer? No, I won't let that one go anytime soon.

The Morgan tribe lands: more ass crack blur. He walks along the beach: more ass crack blur. Osten runs around: more ass crack blur. Troop Leader Lady builds a fire in a pit - that's fine. The Morgan tribe decides to build their shelter against the shale wall even after Osten knocks about 100 pounds of rocks off with a stick. Hmmm.

The Drake tribe lands: no ass crack blur. However, Shawn and Burton take the lead in building the shelter. Everyone is working, though, gathering firewood and building the shelter. Rupert says that Shawn is a pain in the butt, and calls Shawn and Burton the "dynamic duo." It's best not to be tagged like that so early in the game, or you've got a short lifespan on this program. Anyway, they find their waterhole with a billion mosquitoes. Wowee. Jon's wearing a shirt, so he's not so bit. Duh.

Back to the ass crack blur tribe. The Morgan tribe bought water and is running low. Uh huh, because Evian is a worthy purchase. Grrr. So now the whole tribe goes up and down the beach trying to find water. Maybe they could, I dunno, look on the map? At least we didn't have to see any ass crack blurs.

Nightfall. The Morgan tribe, with their slate leanto, had rocks falling on them. Crabs bit their asses and climbed up their clothes. Uh huh, good idea. Build a shelter on the ground. Yep. I really don't like these Rummy Dummies. Ironically, it's the Drake tribe that drinks some shoe-bought wine and gets a little silly. Jon gets annoying. "Everyone laughs at all my jokes." Uh huh.

Rupert's crotch has been rubbed away by his jeans. Nice thought. Christa humps Rupert before giving him the bottom of her dress. So now we have a fat hippie wearing a flower skirt.

The Morgan tribe has yet to find water. The annoying one (Tijuana) finds it on the map. Derrrr. The Scout and the Stick go off to get water and the rest of the tribe builds an improved shelter.

Back to Drake: Burton gets out and catches a fish. He takes Shawn. He catches a fish. Rupert sees that one fish is not going to be enough. Six or seven fish later, he finishes up, sunburnt to a crisp. Go Rupert.

The Morgan tribe gets tree mail and learns of the first challenge. More ass crack blur. What's worse, other members agree that if Osten's shorts fall off during the challenge that they will drop their shorts. Please say it isn't so!

The immunity idol is pretty cool. It has a poker chip or an Oreo in one of its eyes, I can't say. The challenge begins: the Morgan tribe just follows the Drake tribe and has it easy. I'm glad that they lose. Unfortunately, I'm not glad that the members of the Morgan tribe lived up to their promise. Three or four naked guys - just what I wanted to see. A lame stunt. It's too early to say that this has a stategic impact, so for now it's just really annoying. The "highlight" if you can call it that is the shot of both Andrew and Osten's asses (blurred of course) with the subtitle "Morgan Behind." Ahhh, those wiley Survivor producers!

One thought I had: when Rupert (the former gravedigger) grabs the skull on the immunity idol, I half expected him to hold it aloft and declare "Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio."

Andrew, "leader" of Morgan, cheers up his team with a "that sucked. we lost" speech. Go team! Some members of the team want to vote out Produce Boy the Limp Noodle. Nicole singles herself out by taking what would be a voting lock and proposes they vote out Tijuana. Lillian immediately goes to the guys. Bah. Nicole's gonna go. Moron.

The Morgan tribe meets up. Andrew singles out Beanpole Boy as the weak member not pulling his own weight. Clue to Andrew: the guy ain't got much weight to pull! Anyway, they nearly unanimously vote out Nicole. That's fine - she wasn't really great eye candy anyway, and she stirred up things too quickly. It's best to lay low early in the game, I think.

Ahh, it's good to have Survivor back.

4 Responses to "Survivor 7.01"

  1. Looked to me like the immunity idol was wearing an eyepatch. Yarr.

    I hope Rupert sticks around a while -- he seemed to be the realest. Not flip, not ironic, not wearing a boy-scout uniform.

  2. Hey, now.. Christa's hot, and she's a programmer, too πŸ™‚

  3. Man... I miss Rob from last season.

  4. HATCH IS THE BEST!


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