Comments on: Asking My Dad to Leave http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave The Weblog of Erik J. Barzeski Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:21:22 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Holly http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave#comment-16065 Holly Sun, 17 Jul 2005 19:02:56 +0000 http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave/#comment-16065 I just happened upon your blog, it is interesting as it is very similar to my history with my family. I say "history" as some of my relationships have changed with them since I have started doing things similar to what you did with your dad in asking him to leave. I have had to do this numerous times with my mom, with not much change in her behaviour at our next visit, she too delights in reminding me of how many stupid things I have said. My grandparents and her sisters, my brothers and in the past my dad found it great sport at family gatherings to bring up anything in the past that would embarrass me. Once when we had a foreign exchange student in our home, I asked a question that still haunts me to this day. I am almost 40 years old now, but was 9 or 10 at the time when I asked this girl from Germany if they had cows in her country. Fits of laughter came from every family member and from then on I have been labeled as a total ignoramous. They are all amazed that I graduated high school, college and can make it to the family gathering without getting lost. To this day they will bring this story up with the same mean spiritedness and that will launch a host of others from each family member. I am forced to stand and fake laugh, as they intentionally take aim at how stupid I am, trying at times to even bring my children and husband in on the plot to embarrass the crap out of me. I truly believe they are actually jealous of the success I have had in my life, both academically, professionally and relationally. I am truly one of the only family members in 2 generations who has moved away from the nest of family disfunction and got true healing from the disfunctional way in which they relate to one another. They are totally disrespectful of others, gossiping behind thier backs, having no boundaries in conversation (interupting, inappropriate manners, etc.) and get away with it with so many because they have had so much money and power in the community in the past based on my late grandfather's vocation as town doctor for 2 generations. I have a healthy home and good, safe relationships and my life, while not perfect, is not filled with utter chaos all the time. I am one of the few that has moved hours away and have disconnected from their control. They are simply jealous and frustrated that I have become my own person and don't need their approval of me anymore. I tend to wonder if that might not be the case in your situation. I just got tired of the whole thing and although I do still go visit, I don't have them in my world much and walk out of the room and disengage when they do it now. They have lost thier power and they are not having much fun now since I am not responding. Hope this helps, not that you are asking but couldn't help but recognize your challenge. Good for you for standing up to your dad, you are on your way to putting all this behind you. The ones that respect you in the end will emerge as the one's who are safe to have in your life, otherwise, cut your losses and see them when you have to but don't be suprised when they never change. You be the one to change, sounds like you have. Blessings. I just happened upon your blog, it is interesting as it is very similar to my history with my family. I say "history" as some of my relationships have changed with them since I have started doing things similar to what you did with your dad in asking him to leave. I have had to do this numerous times with my mom, with not much change in her behaviour at our next visit, she too delights in reminding me of how many stupid things I have said. My grandparents and her sisters, my brothers and in the past my dad found it great sport at family gatherings to bring up anything in the past that would embarrass me. Once when we had a foreign exchange student in our home, I asked a question that still haunts me to this day. I am almost 40 years old now, but was 9 or 10 at the time when I asked this girl from Germany if they had cows in her country. Fits of laughter came from every family member and from then on I have been labeled as a total ignoramous. They are all amazed that I graduated high school, college and can make it to the family gathering without getting lost. To this day they will bring this story up with the same mean spiritedness and that will launch a host of others from each family member. I am forced to stand and fake laugh, as they intentionally take aim at how stupid I am, trying at times to even bring my children and husband in on the plot to embarrass the crap out of me. I truly believe they are actually jealous of the success I have had in my life, both academically, professionally and relationally. I am truly one of the only family members in 2 generations who has moved away from the nest of family disfunction and got true healing from the disfunctional way in which they relate to one another. They are totally disrespectful of others, gossiping behind thier backs, having no boundaries in conversation (interupting, inappropriate manners, etc.) and get away with it with so many because they have had so much money and power in the community in the past based on my late grandfather's vocation as town doctor for 2 generations. I have a healthy home and good, safe relationships and my life, while not perfect, is not filled with utter chaos all the time. I am one of the few that has moved hours away and have disconnected from their control. They are simply jealous and frustrated that I have become my own person and don't need their approval of me anymore. I tend to wonder if that might not be the case in your situation. I just got tired of the whole thing and although I do still go visit, I don't have them in my world much and walk out of the room and disengage when they do it now. They have lost thier power and they are not having much fun now since I am not responding. Hope this helps, not that you are asking but couldn't help but recognize your challenge. Good for you for standing up to your dad, you are on your way to putting all this behind you. The ones that respect you in the end will emerge as the one's who are safe to have in your life, otherwise, cut your losses and see them when you have to but don't be suprised when they never change. You be the one to change, sounds like you have. Blessings.

]]> By: Brad Murphy http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave#comment-16064 Brad Murphy Mon, 11 Jul 2005 22:32:08 +0000 http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave/#comment-16064 I just don't understand parents. It seems like once I had my own child my family took an oath to make my life a living hell. I love them, but damn. I hate seeing this stuff happen to others, but I do feel your pain. I just don't understand parents. It seems like once I had my own child my family took an oath to make my life a living hell. I love them, but damn. I hate seeing this stuff happen to others, but I do feel your pain.

]]> By: mns http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave#comment-16063 mns Mon, 11 Jul 2005 14:25:36 +0000 http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave/#comment-16063 Well-told story, sir. Oh, the joys of establishing a functional relationship with parents, as real people, with real flaws... Hopefully, you can all move on with relative ease, step by step, day by day. Well-told story, sir. Oh, the joys of establishing a functional relationship with parents, as real people, with real flaws... Hopefully, you can all move on with relative ease, step by step, day by day.

]]> By: Gary http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave#comment-16062 Gary Mon, 11 Jul 2005 14:18:02 +0000 http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave/#comment-16062 It would seem that we all have problems. But those who write about their problems usually end up with all sorts of wise cracks in the comments. As someone who regularly reads your blog I know you usually don't write posts like this one. But it's very nice to see someone who has a "normal" life also has kinks in that normal life. I've got parents that can't let go. But I can't either. I get hung up on thinking I'm dealing with issues no one else has to deal with even when I <i>know</i> that isn't even close to being true. Or it could be all sorts of other things. I really don't understand it, to be honest. I want to change it, but I get so bogged down on the wrong things. I've had to ask my parents to leave my home a couple of times. I feel so guilty for it after the fact. I let them tear me apart because they are my parents. No one else would get away with treating me like that. They believe they are building me up while they are actually doing the opposite. They don't even realize that I wouldn't have such a short view of myself if it wasn't for all the years of dealing with them. And for me to dare speak up to let them know how their words affect me-- I'm just being ungrateful. But whatever. I keep this all to myself most of the time because any attempt to talk about it doesn't come out right and makes me feel like I'm whining and blaming someone else for my problems. Even if to only examine the source before moving on to make changes. It's a vicious circle that I'm responsible for getting myself out of, but knowing that, I still haven't found my way out of it. I analyze everything, logical this and that and find no answers, only more questions. What seems like it should be so obvious and simple is everything but. It would seem that we all have problems. But those who write about their problems usually end up with all sorts of wise cracks in the comments. As someone who regularly reads your blog I know you usually don't write posts like this one. But it's very nice to see someone who has a "normal" life also has kinks in that normal life.

I've got parents that can't let go. But I can't either. I get hung up on thinking I'm dealing with issues no one else has to deal with even when I know that isn't even close to being true. Or it could be all sorts of other things. I really don't understand it, to be honest. I want to change it, but I get so bogged down on the wrong things. I've had to ask my parents to leave my home a couple of times. I feel so guilty for it after the fact. I let them tear me apart because they are my parents. No one else would get away with treating me like that. They believe they are building me up while they are actually doing the opposite. They don't even realize that I wouldn't have such a short view of myself if it wasn't for all the years of dealing with them. And for me to dare speak up to let them know how their words affect me-- I'm just being ungrateful.

But whatever. I keep this all to myself most of the time because any attempt to talk about it doesn't come out right and makes me feel like I'm whining and blaming someone else for my problems. Even if to only examine the source before moving on to make changes. It's a vicious circle that I'm responsible for getting myself out of, but knowing that, I still haven't found my way out of it. I analyze everything, logical this and that and find no answers, only more questions. What seems like it should be so obvious and simple is everything but.

]]> By: Johan Svensson http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave#comment-16061 Johan Svensson Mon, 11 Jul 2005 12:38:54 +0000 http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave/#comment-16061 I had an argument with my grandfather a few days ago. I've been living in Stockholm for 3 years and I'm moving back to my home town now, so I haven't seen my grandparents a lot while I lived in Stockholm. I told what I'd been doing lately, and mentioned that I had a cat now. He blurted out "What do you need a cat for?" in a very condescending tone. Cue stunned silence from everyone. I had an argument with my grandfather a few days ago. I've been living in Stockholm for 3 years and I'm moving back to my home town now, so I haven't seen my grandparents a lot while I lived in Stockholm.

I told what I'd been doing lately, and mentioned that I had a cat now.

He blurted out "What do you need a cat for?" in a very condescending tone.

Cue stunned silence from everyone.

]]> By: Scott http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave#comment-16060 Scott Mon, 11 Jul 2005 02:29:13 +0000 http://nslog.com/2005/07/05/asking_my_dad_to_leave/#comment-16060 Good story. I bet it feels good to get it out in a large article. Good story. I bet it feels good to get it out in a large article.

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