Instant Turnoffs
Posted November 29th, 2003 @ 08:34pm by Erik J. Barzeski
I went to buy some ice cream tonight. I got out of the car at Albertson's and saw a pretty tasty looking woman walking in front of me. She stopped just outside of the grocery store, looked at her watch, and lit up a cigarette. 60 to 0 in 3 seconds flat.
As I was leaving Albertson's, I saw a cute gal packing groceries into the back of her car, talking with someone who appeared to be her sister. "I should smile and say hello" I thought to myself. Then she said "Hey, where's the eggs?" Not quite as fast a halt as the other, but needless to say, I walked on by without a smile or an introduction.
I may be a bit of a snob. I've dated and in fact started to fall for a girl who smokes. But it's safe to say that it was (and continues to be) my least favorite thing about her. Grammar? I can be a grammar snob. You bet. But c'mon: we're not talking about the intricacies of assumed subjects or even dangling modifiers. We're talking about someone who probably misspells "their" as "they're" or "there."
On the way home, I wondered just what my snobbery was getting me. A few lonely evenings with my dog and a recording of Drumline? Perhaps. I'm attracted to women, but I'm attracted to bright women the most. Thank goodness Playmates don't speak or the only thing I'd look at would be the articles! And smoking? Don't get me started. Ick.
I don't have a type, as I've dated and fallen for all sorts of people. However, if I had to put my type down on paper, the qualifications would go something like this: Intelligent. Respectful. Active. Willful.
That's it. It's how those characteristics come out that matters. It's how they meld, how they're expressed, and how the women who possess them behave, act, think, feel, and love.
Intelligence is important to me. Intelligence doesn't mean "book smart" and it doesn't even mean always reading a book. Intelligence is the ability to learn. Intelligence is the ability to adapt. Intelligence includes some common sense, a passion for thought, and an overwhelming desire to seek "to know."
Respect breeds respect. I have a hard time respecting women who don't respect themselves. I had a hard time respecting most of the girls I knew in high school. Girls who would say they'd want such and such a guy, yet constantly circle date the exact opposite types of guys. The guys were just looking for the next piece of tail, and the girls were glad to give it. Respect breeds compassion. It breeds understanding, love, honor, dignity. It breeds trust. Women who respect themselves don't harm their bodies by smoking. They don't stand for disrespect, from me, anyone, or anything.
Active women respect their bodies enough to know that sitting around eating ice cream (one of my favorite things to do) won't make the world a better place (nor will it help their ass). An active woman knows that there are three places in the world - up, down, or just where you are - and that only one requires any effort. An active woman likes sex, likes getting out and trying something new, and likes sweat. She likes the rollerblade, she likes to skydive, she likes to go shopping. She likes to do things.
Finally, a willful woman speaks her mind. And when she makes up her mind, well, just watch out. A willful woman will stand up for the first three things: that she's an intelligent, active, respectful woman who won't stand to be put down, disparaged, or treated badly. I've got awfully high standards for myself, and I expect a woman to feel the same.
I've long said that I don't want to pick up anyone who can be picked up in a bar. I might be missing out on some great women with that stance, but I've met some pretty great ones doing it my way too. That's a pretty crappy ending, but it will have to do tonight. 🙂
Donate Life
Posted 30 Nov 2003 at 3:31am #
I was falling in love and then he wrote, "She likes the rollerblade, she likes to skydive, she likes to go shopping."
I can understand your thoughts on smoking but come on man. That second one was probably just a brain fart while the girl was involved in activity that isn't exactly engaging. I know I can be the kind of snob you're talking about at times but it really makes a world of difference when you open your mind and accept people a little more easily.
While we're picking nits...
"An active woman knows that there are three placed in the world - up, down, or just where you are - and that only one requires any effort."
You aren't talking about a race are you?
Posted 30 Nov 2003 at 5:34am #
Building up expectations is the best way to be single forever.
Oh, and I'm with you on the smoking part 🙂
Posted 30 Nov 2003 at 10:59am #
Hey Erik, it's Josh from Big Nerd.
I can only speak from experience, but I dated a wide range of women. I never had a certain type, but I did have Rules. They all broke them at one time or another for most of the same reasons you have (and enough to break-up with them).
When my wife and I met at work and we (initially) didn't get along. She literally tried to get me fired. Over a period of months we started to become friends. When my contract was over, we went out on our first date.
We dated for about a month and didn't know we were dating. We didn't know if we were friends or one of us was playing a cruel joke. We didn't know what was happening. We only knew we kept talking to each other and seeing each other.
She smoked, but I didn't know it. When she found out I didn't like women who smoked, she quit smoking. Months later she told me.
I guess what I want to get across with this rambling is that neither of us would have picked the other to "date." It happened over time. She and I both had "Rules" for the types of people we'd date; we both broke those Rules and still won the game.
(If you ever want to chat about it, let me know. Dating is a bitch.)
Posted 30 Nov 2003 at 3:25pm #
It's bad enough that my girlfriend's parents smoke. If she were to smoke as well, I don't think I could take it. Such a hard habit to live around.
Posted 30 Nov 2003 at 3:52pm #
Luckily, I found exactly whom I was looking for when I met my wife just over seven years ago. Is she everything I wanted to the letter? Nope. But I have found that expecting perfection from your mate keeps you from seeing those beautiful imperfections.
Posted 01 Dec 2003 at 10:19am #
I guess I am dissenting from the crowd here, but I pretty much agree with everything you wrote. I was recalling many different times when I've voiced those same desires myself (although I put it much differently, of course.)
I have a girlfriend right now, and I am not too sure if she is "the one" -- even though we've been dating for over three and a half years.
The reason: she is wilfull, but at the "wrong times" she is intelligent, but it seems to be more book-smarts, uncommon sense, and debating craftiness than common knowledge or the ability to understand people. Finally, she has a ton of respect for herself -- sometimes she fails to let go when she should.
I am describing her because I was wanting much the same thing, and I just wanted to let you know that you'll encourage the things you want in your girl, so don't go out seeking anyone already unbalanced toward these specific qualities, because even what you want can be a problem if you're getting too much of it.
Posted 01 Dec 2003 at 6:55pm #
Eggs? What is the problem with eggs?
Posted 01 Dec 2003 at 10:52pm #
Ditto to Charles post (see above). "Eggs? What is the problem with eggs?"
You lost me. I hate girls who smoke too. No better way to turn me off than to light up a smoke. The way I look at it is that if they don't care enough about themselves, how are they ever gonna care about me.
If she doesn't have enough brains or willpower to overcome a dirty, expensive, stupid habit, she's not worth my investment.
That's not to say I don't have any friends that smoke (that would be a lie of course), but I don't want to get involved with someone whose addiction is stronger than their desire to overcome the addiction.
There is no excuse for laziness or lack of initiative in my book.