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So another week of Survivor, pushed back about 50 minutes because some odd looking chap who looks a lot like the President we had a decade ago had something to say, has concluded. Yawwwwwwwn. It's early, forgive me.

What did we get? Heidi is a complete moron. An absolute moron. "The fat girls can live off their fat more, so yeah they should do more of the work." All her talk of the "cute" versus "the ugly" has easily, easily put her in the latter category, but in a far worse way: she's just an ugly individual who needs to grow up. Jenna keeps wearing sorority clothing, and Jenna, Heidi, and Shawna all have an entirely sorority mentality. Said Jenna: "Don't be mad at us because we have good bodies. It's not our fault; get over it. Me and Heidi have the better bodies of the group and wanted to be on a tribe with men, because women can just get pissed about that fact and just vote us off for that reason." Deena, sorry to tell you: they're using you. Figure out a way to turn on them.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the camp, the men finally figured out to use worms for bait. What were they using before? Matt ingratiated himself to the tribe once again after last week's "you know Mandarin Chinese??" incident. All told, the men had an excellent three to four days. I don't know if I've ever seen a Survivor episode with no confict, all smiles, all good spirits and rising strength. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

They got Coke! I've never seen a cooler (pun intended) reward challenge: a refrigerator full of Coke. The women get first fire, prompting JoAnna to say "thank you Lord, you are so good to me." Where did I put my clue bat? Your Jedi Lord Dude doesn't give a shit about Survivor! Grrr…

In the end, the men easily won by more than 1/4 the length of the race after falling behind early, though it seems to have cost Dave the hair on his legs. The women walked dejectedly away while the men drank some Coke. I went to my fridge and grabbed a Coke myself, but I'm sure it felt at least ten times better out there. The fridge should serve them well in the coming days.

The women get back to camp, and awwww, poor Shawna can't sit up. She's tired, she's ill, she wants to go home. Deena says it: get up and rehydrate yourself; stop whining. Actually she says "Shut up, drink your water like you were supposed to be and quit acting like this is the worst day of your entire life. I want you to get off your butt, and don't be a quitter." Unfortunately, she doesn't say it to Shawna, but to the camera in a confessional-type thing. It would have been interesting to see a catfight…

Cut to a scene of the men enjoying their fridge, their large bass, and Dave summing it up: "Today will forever be in my mind as the perfect Survivor day. Everything flowed perfectly, everything flowed our way." The men, previously having lost 4 of 5 challenges, are now at 2 of 6 and will later go to 3 of 7. Turning point? You bet. But Rob, buddy? You still can't sing. Give it up.

The immunity challenge was unsurprisingly a fishing contest. Unsurprisingly because at tribal council last week Jeff hinted - and perhaps it was not so much a hint as common sense - that the guys needed to learn how to fish. The men pulled out to an early lead, and watching the women try to deal with fish (y'know, those slimy, gross fish with the big teeth) was fairly amusing. JoAnna got her line stuck in a tree at one point (where's your savior now, religious bitch?), Heidi chased a fish around on the ground trying to step on it… thoroughly amusing. The men win by a medium-sized margin.

The women had a mild voting crisis: would Shawna vote herself out, or someone else? Deena and the others sought out Christy to vote JoAnna off, because in addition to being the annoying religious bitch, JoAnna may be the biggest physical threat (take that, sorority girls). In the end, JoAnna left with four votes against her, to Shawna's two and Christy's one (cast by Shawna, the frizzy haired bitch).

Heidi can talk all she wants about how "cute" she is but my god she was downright horrendous looking at tribal council. She's got a bony face and her hair was all over the place. I haven't seen hair that big since country music in the 80s. It wasn't on purpose either - it was just all over the place. Didn't you guys win conditioner, shampoo, and whatnot? Have you ever used, oh I dunno, a hair scrunchy or something else to tie that shit back? Jeezus.

In the spirit of Frizzy and Religious Bitch, I think I'm going to name the female contestants. Let's see…
Frizzy Bitch - Shawna
Religious Bitch - JoAnna
NOCAST^* Bitch - Heidi
Sorority Bitch - Jenna
Provider Bitch - Jeanne
Manly Bitch - Deena
Deaf Bitch - Christy
^* Not-As-Cute-As-She-Thinks

Hmm, that was easier than I thought. Of course, the above needs a disclaimer: I really only think JoAnna and the "cute girls" who "don't have fat to live off of" are the real bitches. Christy, Deena, Jeanne - y'all find a way to band against the other three, wouldja?

The men are finally acting like men. At one point the appropriately named Butch said something like "It's interesting to see what happens when you take eight guys and take them away from women for ten days. I like women, but I'm enjoying the company and I feel far more relaxed here right now."

The men are finally acting like men, and the women are certainly acting like women (infighting, bitching, whining, getting sick, talking about their boobs). We'll see if all of this continues next week.

P.S. I owned to piranhas in college. I named them Bill and Ted. They had many excellent adventures. Piranhas are cool.

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