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This week was one of the funniest episodes ever. I wrote everything below last night during the show (live, with commercials, ugh - I like my TiVo and hate having to watch it at Gabe and Daria's). Stupid me forgot to change the status to "Publish" from "Draft." D'oh! I'll jerry-rig the time here to be current… There we go.

This week might be merger week. There are 10 people left: a five-on-five and within each tribe, a 3-to-2 men-to-women. Alex is depressed that Shawna isn't here, says Rob, and yeah, he should be. He was makin' some moves. Will he get his head out of his ass and play the game? That remains to be seen. He could use a bit of a kick in the rear, perhaps.

Rob brings up strategy in an open forum while detesting it and puts forth a plan to lie and deceive. Go figure. If the women get Heidi, he says, then the five + Heidi could knock off Dave, the strongest at this point. Very smart of Rob to be discussing merger strategy before a merge - something I don't recall seeing before on Survivor. "It's kind of deceptive" he says. Then he says "I just want to make sure all these knuckleheads understand the plan." Hee hee. His contempt for everyone but himself is actually pretty funny. He may be the most amusing Survivor ever, and this episode may have been the best.

"Welcome, you have tree-mail." Pretty funny, kinda droll. Who cares, though, it's amusing to an audience, and nobody's yet made tooooo many comments about his jokes being really, really bad. They've got a key, though, and now they're going to open the box. Why haven't they chopped it open yet? What do they think those machetes were for? There must have been a rule against not opening it. I would have. And yes, a merger!

Rob complains about building a new shelter, but you know what, that is a great turn of events for the show. The women couldn't build a shelter, the men built a fort, and there's always a power struggle when work is involved. Want to know who gets kicked off this week? Look to see who takes control of this new shelter building. Then again Roger is a construction guy, right? He should get another awesome shelter up. Wonder if he'll be around to enjoy it for long…

Rob and his team shore up their plan: Dave, Roger, Butch. Uhhh, this is the point at which I know Rob has something else going, because that'd leave four women and three men, and as much as Rob acts like he's in control, I'm quite sure he'd be at a disadvantage with four women and I'm also quite sure he knows that, so I can't see him going for the "let's vote off three men first" strategy. Nuh uh.

Are they going to merge and live on that tiny little island? That'd be awesome! It'd be really tough to "get away" and plan things. Rob would be so screwed. That'd be awesome! Red buffs and a Jaburu/Tambaqui merger. "When you arrive at your new home?" Dammit. They're not staying on the island. Rob immediately says hello to the one girl he hasn't really met: Christy. And then ACK! Put your arms down woman! Or shave or something! Ack!!!

Dave says "it's done" but, well, dude, there are still nine people you've got to beat. You haven't really started playing. Better start soon. We arrive here and there's a "feast to end all feasts." Beer? Coors Light? Couldn't they have given them something better? Rob + Beer = "maybe I can get the women drunk enough to give me some head." All of the pickles and hot dogs might help him be… uhhh… suggestive?

Daria makes the comment that she would not eat everything she could because then she'd just get sick. Ed and I say: "shut up bitch! we'd eat it all and it'd be worth the quick trips to the woods later that evening!" Damn skippy it would be. Chow down people, and save what you can for later.

Jacaré? Huh? Whatever. Roger's trying to kick some people into shelter-building while everyone is standing around. Let's all pack up food. Oh my goodness, why the fuck do they save the beer? They live near a river - just put the fucking beer in the river to keep it somewhat cool. Roger is right: save the damn food instead. But y'know what man, you could have presented your case a little bit better than by acting like a kid and taking all the beer out of the raincoat. Way to throw a hissy fit. Says Alex "Roger is an ass." Uh huh.

And Roger continues to be a prick. When you are told to try to stay 150 feet from water, as Deena says "my training says yes they do" come up that far, then who are you, Roger, to be the fucking expert on crocodiles and things? Derrr. We haven't even gotten to the shelter-building and he's already taking over. Derrr. Roger: you're an early candidate for the Clue Bat Beatingâ„¢ this week! Ha ha, Deena makes a face behind Roger's back. Yes! Deena's got some wits, so long as she can keep that "women are awesome" shit to herself. Women are no better than men, men are no better than women. You're all equals here: play the game.

And ha! "How to Use a Machete" by Dave the Rocket Scientist. Lesson 1: chop with one hand, leaving your other hand free to hold a beer! Uhhhh, hmmm. Going for more than a nick above the eye, are you Dave? Thank you for proving: rocket scientist != common sense. Derr, now Rob is cutting a palm frond down towards his hand. Uhh, hit a soft patch and you lose half of your hand. Smart!

Roger continues to take control. Derrrr. He is a construction thing, let him do it, but man, Roger, ya gotta realize how you come off! Christy is, once again, "pissed" in her words. Is there a week she hasn't been "pissed" at something? Why doesn't she think doing the roof is just as important as anything else? If you're working, you're contributing. Why is doing the floorboarding more important than the roof? Whatever.

Rob makes a point about some people building the shelter while he's building alliances. "We'll see if the guys who are busy building the shelter are going to be here to use it in six to nine days." Hmmm, okay. While I admire Rob for playing the game, uhhh, wouldn't it be nicer of you to actually help instead of scheming? As much as I respect him for being conscious of the game, I despise him for being lazy and reaping the rewards - then planning to kick off - the people trying to make his life in the wild easier.

Heidi wants Roger gone first, and Deena seems to agree. Roger, Dave, Matt is her plan. Jenna gets in on it now. Roger has to go first because he hates women, Heidi says. Perhaps. Says Deena "let's get rid of Dave, because he's strong." Cut to scene of Dave strongly climbing trees. 🙂 Deena comes around and Roger looks to be on the block.

Cut to scene of Roger talking about the six-on-four the men have going. He says "it just seems too easy." Forecasting your own demise there, are ya buddy? We shall see. Now Christy is helping with the floorboard. Dave thinks she's going. Do Dave, Roger, or Butch know what Rob's doing? They're the only three I haven't seen Rob picking. Now Alex is talking about how Alex is going. With Matt. They look like brothers.

What kind of alligator is that on the flag? It looks like Godzilla. Maybe Matt knows Japanese and Mandarin. It's nighttime, they have an awesome fort thanks to Roger, and he's sleeping. The beer is flowing and Roger is snoring. Roger is snoring. "I'm just disappointed that none of the girls are drinking that much. That's a problem…" says Rob. Uh huh, schmucko. Self-deprecatory humor is great. "The only way I have a chance with them is if they're really drunk." Heh.

Christy had sex at the Washington Monument on the fourth of July. Swappin' stories, says Dave, who then tells a story of his threesome. Rob yawns. Rob dislikes Dave, who he describes as "slick, smart, and real ladies man." Clue Bat Sez: he is, you are not. Rob hopes the chicks are smart enough to stand up to "the cute rocket scientist and his All-American charm." Let's see: whiny, self-deprecating bitch or smart, strong, handsome guy. Hmmmm… which would you choose, ladies? C'mon Rob. The real world is this way.

"My sex life if you would even call it that is so mundane" says Rob. "I hardly have any boring sex stories. Most of my sex stories usually involve me and a fat girl." Yah! Yah yah yah! He tells a tale of a failed threesome of his own and Heidi, what the fuck? Heidi says "You can be amazed at how many girls, if you said that's what you wanted to do, how quickly it would happen… wouldn't it Jenna?" Holy mother of God! Tonight's News from the Amazon: cleanup continues weeks after Survivor Contestant Rob blows a fuse and jizzed on half of the Amazon forest after Premiere Amazon Bitches Heidi and Jenna make the slightest reference to having a threesome with him.

Wow. If this is a play by Heidi to manipulate Rob, well done! But I don't think she's that smart. Then again, if she can do one thing, perhaps it is to manipulate men. "The way Heidi and Jenna were talking about a threesome, I'm rethinking my whole strategy so that the final three might be me, Heidi, and Jenna." Rob, uhhh, never mind. That's funny, and frankly, I think he's being 100% sarcastic, but still: funny shit either way. "The most incredible adventure of my life." "Good night Rob-Boy" says Deena. Heh.

I want to see Phone Booth. Sorry, commercial break. Have I mentioned I really like my TiVo?

Roger, what the fuck man? Chop, chop, chop. Clang, clang, clang. Let the people with hangover sleep? Dude, you are so gone you don't even know it. Or maybe you do and you're just pissing people off on purpose.

Amazon monkeys have some serious guns. Damn!

Rob and Deena have engineered a turn-around? What turn-around? Men vs. Women? "Never underestimate the power of a woman?" Uhh, Heidi sold girls out some time ago, and Shawna did last week." Derrr. Jenna and Deena "may never win individual immunity, but it doesn't matter." Uhhh, yes it does.

Deena makes a reference to how Eve controlled Adam, and how that's a good example of Girl Powerâ„¢. Guess what Deena? Eve fucked the world over by eating the forbidden fruit. Derrrr.

Immunity challenge time. This is where Heidi and Jenna get naked right? Ha! Jeff reminds them of the crocodiles and says "make a quick swim over to the rope ladder." Cut to shot of crocodile in water. And damn, and that didn't take long. They ask Jeff if they can get naked for peanut butter and chocolate? "Get the girls some chocolate and peanut butter, Probst!" says Rob. Hilarious. I think Nick will still hate him, but y'know what, I think he's pretty damn amusing. Chocolate and peanut butter! Ha ha. Ha!

What the hell Roger? You jumped in for nothing! What a dumbass. Wait for some reward you idiot. What an idiot. "With little fanfare, he's out of the game." I bet Probst is more right than he thought. The ease with which the rest of the others go illustrate how clearly they all know that Roger is going. Didn't they last like 12 hours last year? Deena "outlasted Roger and that's all that really matters." Heh.

"The only way Roger is going to win immunity is if it's a contest 'Name that Perry Como song' or 'What type of prune is this?" says Rob. Fucking hilarious! Laugh audibly and wish-you-had-a-TiVo-so-you-could pause-it loud. Alex says "we had the best time. Naked chicks? Sh'yeah. Pizza? Sh'yeah. Roger was stupid enough to jump off and get himself nothing? Sh'yeah!"

"The women are going" says Roger. "Everything is falling into place." Survey sez: bzzzzzt. Wrong-o Roger. "It's too good to be true" cuz it is dumbass. Bye bye!

"Survivor Girls Gone Wild" says Jenna, and Heidi agrees. Are they just asking to be in Playboy? Hey, why not make a name for yourself while you're on the show. Get as much money after the show as you can, why not? Jenna's cute. Heidi, not so much. After all, she's NOCAST Bitch (not as cute as she thinks).

"All four of the females realize that they are going to be quickly eliminated" says Dave. Gee, I hope this guy gets a clue. I wonder what the look on his face will be like later. "I don't think that they're surprised. They're lookin' to go packin' pretty quick." Rob calls the other men "jamolts." Rob says he'll be the last man standing. Would anyone vote for Rob, though? Will he win votes from the jury? He's playing the game hard, as is Deena, but who would vote for him at this point?

"Everyone had a part to play, and if you didn't know what you were particularly good at, there was a few people that were more than happy to tell you." Jeff calls Rob out on that evasive language, and Rob says he likes being subserviant. Ha, nice try worm. Deena mentions re-bonding and gets in a few digs on Deena. Roger is smug as shit, man, and says "it was going to be done that way regardless." Uhh, God died and Roger took over? Man, I wonder what he'll think when he watches this episode back on TV.

Jeff asks Roger if he'd have hung in longer if he felt he needed immunity, and Roger throws another example that proves hindsight is twenty-twenty into the wind with "obviously if I really felt that I needed that immunity then I'd have given it my all, yes."

Okay so they're voting, and Roger thinks that a woman is going, yet we've seen no footage of Roger, Dave, or Butch talking. Who are they voting for? Christy still? Why haven't Roger, Dave, or Butch talked to Rob, Alex, or Matt?

Rob's long-distance dedication farewell in the voice of Casey Casem? Hilarious again. Another "wish-I-had-a-TiVo-to-pause-and-finish-laughing" moment. Ha ha. Too bad Rob can't spell R-O-G-E-R.

The look on Roger's face when the fifth vote for him was read is great. "Wait, wait, there are only four women, right? Wait!" Bye Roger. Butch is blown away. Dave is confused. They'd better get back in the game fast. If the men want to do anything, they're now only one up: five to four. Butch and Dave have to realize the importance of Roger's departure immediately. They saw their three votes for Christy.

The end. Next week: Matt looks freaky. Like serial killer freaky. "Voting someone off taken to a whole new level" freaky. Rob "voices his concern that they [Heidi and Jenna] are using their sexuality to manipulate their fellow Survivors." Yep! And he's glad to be manipulated. "One Survivor embarks on a highly strategic relationship with a member of the opposite sex." Interesting. Whatever, we'll find out next week. Odds are no nakedness. Bummer. 🙂

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