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Obituary: Common Sense

Though I don't agree with all of this (and it contains some factual inaccuracies or misleading parts), it's still amusing and more accurate than I would ever wish. From an email forward, the obituary for Common Sense:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion, or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

5 Responses to "Obituary: Common Sense"

  1. Read this before you attack the coffee case:

  2. [quote comment="41190"]Read this before you attack the coffee case:

    Let's walk through this:
    1) How does one make coffee ... well, you boil water (or at least get it quite close to boiling).
    2) So, fresh coffee is approx. 212°F.
    3) How could anyone (that drinks coffee) not know that hot water can burn you?

    Any idiot should know not to spill coffee on themselves. If somebody *else* had spilled it on her, I'd be all for her suing to cover medical expenses, but she spilled it on herself; not McD's fault.

  3. Many of these things tend to only happen in the US, huh?

    I really hope my country never gets to such point of social distortion.

  4. An update:

    A public ruckus occured at the funeral. Two of Common Sense's stepbrothers engaged in a fist fight. Someone Else is to Blame and I'm a Victim have both been charged with assault and disrupting the public. It has not been determined but the third brother, I Know My Rights, will likely not be representing either brother - he doesn't want to get invovled. It has yet to be confirmed but it is believed the 2 brothers were brawling over their mutual girlfriend, an 81 year old coffeee addict with a history of self abuse.

  5. [...] friend Erik Barzeski has written a very insightful piece called Obituary: Common Sense. Check it out. This is a post to [...]